Going DEEP: Challenging Limiting Beliefs
đ« Edition 49 of Coachology in Practice
âThe soul becomes dyed with the colour of its thoughts.â â Marcus Aurelius
đ« Edition 49 of Coachology in Practice
Written by Paul Smith, Managing Director
How often do you question your own beliefs?
Weâll happily question politicians, football referees, or the bloke on Facebook whoâs suddenly become an expert on absolutely everything, boasting his participation awards. Yet when it comes to the stories we tell ourselves, we tend to accept them without challenge.
Itâs quite strange really when we think about it, because many of those beliefs didnât even originate with us. They were inherited from parents, teachers, managers or life experiences that happened years (sometimes decades) ago. A single comment can become an identity if weâre not careful. I witnessed this myself many years ago while training to become a lawyer. I had reached the quarter-finals of a national mooting competition representing my university. We won the case and progressed to the semi-finals. One of my strengths was that I could memorise my submissions and the supporting case law without relying on notes. It always made me stand out.
After the hearing, the judge offered his feedback.
âItâs impressive that you can memorise your argument rather than reading from notes. Without that ability, you wouldnât have made it this far. But to be honest, youâll never make it as a lawyer with your common accent.â
He then suggested I should take elocution lessons and learn to speak the Queenâs English.
At the time, I challenged him. Outwardly, I acted as though his comments hadnât affected me in the slightest. In fact, shortly afterwards, I founded the universityâs Mooting Society, which attracted over 130 students on its very first day.
But if Iâm honest, that confidence was partly a mask.
His words lodged themselves somewhere in the back of my mind and quietly became a belief that I carried around for several years. Not because they were true, but because someone in a position of authority had said them.
Now, donât get me wrong. Iâve experienced far tougher things in life than a few careless words from a pompous know-it-all wearing a wig. But those comments planted something in me: a constant need to prove people wrong. Looking back now, I can see they werenât describing my potential as a lawyer. They were describing their prejudice.
Thereâs an important lesson in that for us as coaches.
Our clients often arrive carrying beliefs that were never really theirs to begin with.
*Mooting: A competition where you receive a legal scenario (as a team of two) based on an ambiguous or grey area of the law. You prepare your arguments and then present them to a judge against another team of two, attempting to win the fictional case.
More recently, Iâve coached people who genuinely believed they werenât leadership material because one manager described them as âtoo quietâ five years earlier. Iâve worked with business owners who still carried the belief that they werenât intelligent because they struggled at school. One sentence. One experience. Years of behaviour shaped around it.
It reminds me of the famous Little Britain sketch.
âIâd like to apply for the promotion.â
Computer says no.
âIâd like to start my own business.â
Computer says no.
âIâd like to ask them on a date.â
Computer says no.
Our brains can become remarkably efficient at rejecting opportunities before weâve even given ourselves the chance to succeed.
When Beliefs Become the Problem
As coaches, we meet clients carrying beliefs that have quietly become the operating system for their lives. The danger is that beliefs donât arrive wearing a label saying Warning: This may not be true. Instead, they settle into our subconscious and begin influencing our decisions, confidence and behaviour (as I also went through).
Now, before anyone starts diagnosing childhood trauma, itâs important to remember our scope of practice. Coaching isnât therapy. There are beliefs that belong in the therapy room rather than the coaching room. However, where limiting beliefs sit within the clientâs present thinking and future goals, coaching can play a powerful role in helping them examine whether those beliefs are still serving them. Please note this as the most important point from this article.
What we can do as a coach is introduce the DEEP Model...
Introducing the DEEP Model
One coaching tool we developed at Coaching Minds for working with limiting beliefs is the DEEP Model. I like it because it isnât about convincing a client theyâre wrong. Nobody enjoys being told theyâre wrong. Instead, itâs about helping them become curious enough to ask themselves a question they may never have considered before:
âWhat if this belief isnât the whole truth?â
The DEEP Model stands for Dispute, Effect, Exchange and Plan. Itâs a simple framework, but donât mistake simple for ineffective. Some of the biggest breakthroughs Iâve witnessed in coaching have come from clients challenging one belief theyâve carried for years.
D â Dispute the Belief
This is where curiosity becomes one of the coachâs greatest strengths.
When a client says, âIâm just not good enough,â or âPeople like me donât become leaders,â it can be tempting to reassure them. We all want to help. The problem is, reassurance rarely changes beliefs. If anything, clients often become even better at defending them.
Instead, I become curious and ask questions. For example:
âWhere did that belief come from?â
âHas anyone ever proved the opposite?â
âIf somebody else said this about themselves, would you believe them?â
âWhat evidence supports this belief... and what evidence contradicts it?â
Notice weâre not arguing with the client. Weâre simply helping them inspect the foundations of something theyâve accepted as fact. Quite often those foundations turn out to be surprisingly fragile.
E â Explore the Effect
Once the cracks begin to appear, I like to explore the cost of carrying that belief. Every belief influences behaviour. Some beliefs give us confidence. Others steal opportunities from us.
I often ask clients a question that causes a long pause.
âHow much has this belief cost you?â
Not financially. In confidence. In relationships. In promotions. In experiences. In happiness.
Itâs amazing how often clients realise theyâve organised years of their life around a story that may never have been true in the first place. At the same time, I also ask something that can catch people off guard.
âWhat has this belief done for you?â
Limiting beliefs often protect us as well as restrict us. If somebody believes theyâre not good enough, perhaps theyâve avoided situations where they feared rejection. Understanding both sides helps the client decide whether the belief is still serving them and how.
E â Exchange the Belief
Hereâs where I have observed (as a supervisor) coaches make a mistake. They become motivational speakers.
A client says, âIâm not confident,â and we encourage them to replace it with, âIâm unstoppable.â I meant, great, we could appreciate being âunstoppable.â The trouble is, their brain doesnât believe it.
Our role isnât to manufacture positivity. Itâs to help clients discover a belief that feels authentic and believable. Perhaps...
âIâm becoming more confident every time I speak.â
âI donât need to be perfect to be effective.â
âMy accent doesnât define my ability.â
That last one took me several years to believe. The best replacement beliefs donât feel impossible. They simply feel more helpful than the old ones. Important point number 2 from this article, we do not suggest or tell the clients their new positive statement. We ask questions to help them get there.
P â Put the Belief into Practice
A new belief written in a notebook changes nothing, nor does saying it to the mirror every day. A new belief backed by action changes everything. Beliefs become stronger when theyâre supported by evidence. Thatâs why coaching should never stop at insight. Reflective questions for you:
If a client wants to believe theyâre capable of public speaking, where can they safely practise?
If they want to believe theyâre good enough for promotion, what conversation have they been avoiding?
If they want to believe they deserve healthy relationships, what small act of vulnerability could they experiment with this week?
Every action becomes another piece of evidence that challenges the old story. Over time, the evidence starts speaking louder than the limiting belief ever did.
Think of it like this⊠people mistake the whole idea of confidence. They believe we need confidence to take action, when in fact it is action that leads to confidence.
So, how do we put this into practice?
The next time you hear a client speak in absolutes, donât rush to reassure them. Listen for phrases such as:
âI always...â
âI never...â
âPeople like me...â
âThatâs just who I am.â
âI canât...â
Those statements often point towards beliefs rather than facts. Offer the DEEP Model and explain that together youâre simply going to explore whether this belief is still serving them. Then simply:
Help them question where it came from.
Explore the effect it has on their life.
Support them in discovering a belief that serves them better.
Then agree on one small action that allows them to begin collecting evidence for that new belief.
The magic isnât in replacing the belief. The magic is helping the client prove to themselves that the old one was never as true as they thought.
Final Reflection
One of the greatest privileges we have as coaches isnât giving advice or having all the answers. Itâs sitting with another human being long enough for them to realise theyâve been living by somebody elseâs script. Sometimes all it takes is one question. One new experience. One piece of evidence.
The stories our clients tell themselves today donât have to become the stories they live for the rest of their lives, and perhaps thatâs one of the most powerful beliefs we can help them discover.
This is Coachology.
đ« Next Week: Edition 50, âTransactional Analysis in Coachingâ
Keywords: Coachology, Coaching, Coachologist, Coaching Psychology, Cognitive Behavioural Coaching, Reactive Language, Proactive Language, DEEP Model, Coaching tools
