Questioning the Source of Negative Thinking
💫 Edition 41 of Coachology in Practice
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” – Eleanor Roosevelt
💫 Edition 41 of Coachology in Practice
Written by Paul Smith, Managing Director
One of the reasons negative thoughts can feel so believable is because of where they came from.
If a random stranger in a supermarket tells us we are useless, most of us will probably dismiss it fairly quickly (or at least question why someone near the avocados suddenly became a life coach). However, if the same message comes from someone we trusted, respected, loved, or looked up to, it tends to effect us differently:
A parent telling us we are not good enough.
A teacher telling us we will never amount to anything.
A manager constantly criticising our work.
A relationship that slowly chipped away at our confidence.
Over time, these experiences become less like passing comments and more like an internal narrative. We stop hearing their voice and start hearing it as our own.
Equally, negative thoughts do not always come from people. Sometimes they are born from situations. A failed business. A redundancy. A divorce. A friendship ending. A moment in life where things did not go to plan and the mind quietly decided:
“Well, that must say something about me.”
The challenge is that once a thought has emotional roots attached to it, we rarely question it objectively. We simply assume it must be true because it came from a significant person or painful experience.
When left unchallenged, negative thoughts can become incredibly convincing. Before long, we start sounding less like rational adults and more like Grumio from Plebs:
“Everything’s terrible all the time.”
As coaches, one of the most effective things we can do is help clients slow that process down and examine where the thought actually came from, why it became so powerful, and whether it still deserves the level of authority the client has given it.
This is where the I.O.U Model can be incredibly useful.
Before anyone gets concerned, this is not the type of IOU where someone owes you £20 and suddenly disappears from your life. The I.O.U model stands for:
Identify
Obtain
Understand
It provides us with a simple but effective structure for helping clients explore the source of their negative thinking and begin viewing it through a different lens.
The I.O.U Model
One to add to your Coachology Toolkit.
Step 1: Identify the Source
The first step is to identify where the client’s thoughts may have developed from.
This requires curiosity, patience, and effective questioning. Often, the thought itself is only the surface-level issue. The real insight sits underneath it.
Questions may include:
“Why do you think you feel this way?”
“Has anyone ever said this to you before?”
“Can you think of a situation where this belief became stronger?”
“When do you notice this thought showing up most?”
Sometimes clients identify the source immediately. Other times, it takes reflection before they begin connecting the dots. Occasionally, they uncover something they had not consciously linked to their thinking for years.
Step 2: Obtain a Different Perspective
Once we understand where the thought may have originated, we can begin introducing alternative perspectives.
This is important because clients often become trapped inside one narrative. They have listened to one voice, one opinion, or one interpretation for so long that it becomes the dominant truth.
Our role is not to tell the client they are wrong. It is to help them widen the lens.
For example:
“What would your partner say about this?”
“How would your closest friend describe you?”
“What feedback have you received from others?”
“If somebody else were in this situation, would you view them the same way?”
At times, this can be quite confronting for clients because they may realise they have spent years giving more emotional weight to one negative voice than to ten positive ones.
We can receive one criticism in 2011 and still carry it around like it was handed to us this morning. Meanwhile, 47 compliments quietly go unnoticed. At this stage in the model we have to be mindful of our tone and how we challenge their thinking. The objective is to obtain different (more constructive) perspectives.
Step 3: Understand the Relationship to the Source
This step is about exploring why the source became so influential because not all opinions carry equal emotional weight. A comment from a stranger rarely affects us the same way as a comment from:
a parent,
a partner,
a mentor,
or somebody whose approval we deeply wanted.
Questions here may include:
“How important is this person to you?”
“What role did they play in your life?”
“What is your relationship with them like now?”
“Why do you think their opinion stayed with you?”
When clients begin reflecting on these questions, they often realise:
The authority they gave the thought may have far exceeded the credibility of the source itself.
The objective at this step is to help clients truly understand how credible the source of the negative thinking is.
Step 4: Challenge the Weight Given to the Negative Perspective
Finally, we bring the conversation together. At this stage, we gently help the client examine why the negative perspective has been given more authority than the positive evidence surrounding them.
For example:
“So, if your father believed you would never succeed, but your partner, friends, and colleagues all describe you as capable and resilient… why does your mind still give more weight to the first voice?”
This is not about attacking the source. Nor is it about pretending difficult experiences never happened. It is about helping the client recognise that just because a thought came from an emotionally significant place, it does not automatically make it true.
Sometimes, that realisation alone can begin changing the relationship the client has with their thinking.
Important Note
As coaches, our role is not to tell clients what they should believe about themselves.
It is to help them observe their thinking more objectively, recognise the influence certain people or experiences may have had on it, and decide whether those beliefs still deserve a seat at the table today.
Many thoughts are not facts. Some thoughts are simply old opinions that we’ve bought and were never questioned. Our goal when using the I.O.U model is deeper self-awareness and discovery.
💫 Next Week: Edition 42, “From Negative to Positive: Guiding Clients to Affirmations”
Keywords: Coachology, Coaching, Coachologist, Coaching Psychology, Cognitive Behavioural Coaching, Automatic Negative Thoughts, ANTs, Positive Empowering Thoughts, PETs, Coaching Tools
